Saturday, July 23, 2016

Is Garmisch Too Unsafe for World Cup Races?

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

We had to fire our intrepid reporters and research team because they got very lazy. Then we hired a new bunch. But they were not as intrepid as their predecessors, so we fired them and got some new ones. That group was even less intrepid and wanted to watch football tournaments instead of paying attention to the ski racing world. So we hired more reporters and researchers who were even less intrepid, and even lazier, than the second batch. But we are sticking with them for now because they are all we have. Due to a recent crime wave in Garmisch, the FIS fears that it may not be safe for the racers. One of our not-as intrepid-as-his-predecessors reporters got a chance to talk to our old friend Hermann Mayer. Herr Mayer was the police chief of Schladming and is now a special consultant to the FIS on crime. Let's find out what he has to say.

BB: Herr Mayer,  I see that you have two dogs with you. Isn't one bloodhound good enough?
Mayer: You are obviously new. Otherwise you would know that one is Fido, who is almost ready to retire and the other one is Spot, who will take Fido's place. Have you even read any of my previous Blickbild interviews?
Mayer: Ai yai yai! They should have taught you in journalism school to research your interview subjects. You did go to journalism school, didn't you?
BB: No. But I took a creative writing course in high school.
Mayer: I didn't think that even the Blickbild could sink so low. Well, shall we get on with this interview?
BB: Yes, of course. (short pause) Can you tell our readers about the recent crime wave in Garmisch?
Mayer: It was not really in Garmisch, but in one of the neighboring villages.
BB: What happened?
Mayer: Nineteen goats went missing about a month ago.
BB: That's it? A farmer in some village near Garmisch is missing 19 goats and that makes it unsafe for the World Cup races?
Mayer: Possibly. After almost a month, nobody knows what happened to those goats. They could have wandered off on their own, or they could have been stolen.
BB: Were you and your dogs brought in to find the goats?
Mayer: No. But we are aiding the local police. My main job is to make sure that Garmisch will be safe for both the racers and fans.
BB: Who would want to steal 19 goats?
Mayer: My best guess is someone who likes to eat goat cheese or drink goat milk. My team has also been monitoring local restaurants for sudden special offers on drinks made with goat milk, pizzas or salads with goat cheese, or dishes made with unknown mystery meat. We are also checking health food stores for unusual shipments of goat products.
BB: Could the goats have been abducted by aliens or a Yeti?
Mayer: I doubt it. There have not been any reports of space alien activity in the area and there are no Yetis in the German Alps that we know of.  
BB: Assuming the goats were stolen by a human, is this an unusual crime in the Garmisch area?
Mayer: Yes. Most crime in Garmisch involves riding bicycles the wrong way on the sidewalk. Sometimes bicycles get stolen, but this is the first time we have a report about missing goats. But we still don't know for sure if they were really stolen or simply wandered off.
BB: What are the odds of finding the goats alive after being missing for almost a month? When humans are kidnapped, most are killed within the first 24 hours of their abduction. 
Mayer: Goats are pretty resourceful and can live off the land. I would not be surprised at all if they were found wandering in the mountains. Some of the evidence points to them being driven away by a local dog. But the evidence with the dog could be a way to distract us from the real criminal.
BB: So if the goats were driven away by a dog, and are still alive, why are we discussing this at all? It seems to me that Garmisch will be perfectly safe for the races this coming season. 
Mayer: I'm surprised that the Blickbild hired you because you really need some experience on the crime beat of a local newspaper. First of all, the goats went missing from a neighboring village. This crime spree could spread to Garmisch and next thing you know, cows will go missing in Garmisch itself. Secondly, if the goats were indeed stolen, the person who committed this crime could be doing this as a test run for the World Cup races. If he could easily steal 19 goats, it would be child's play to abduct a World Cup racer. Nineteen racers could go missing in Garmisch and nobody would know what happened to them.
BB: Don't you think it would be hard to kidnap a World Cup racer? Between the other racers, the press, their trainers, and the fans, there would be a lot of witnesses.
Mayer: The racers would not necessarily be abducted on a race or training day. They could be taken from their hotel rooms or while out in town.
BB: Who would want to kidnap a World Cup ski racer anyway? They seem pretty high maintenance, plus they eat a lot. A kidnapper could not afford the food bills for one racer, let alone nineteen.
Mayer: There are a lot of strange and sick people out there. Someone out there wanted 19 goats badly enough to take them.
BB: Yes, but goats are useful. You can  eat them if you are hungry and milk them if you are thirsty. A ski racer is pretty useless, though they may be tasty because they have a lot of muscle.
Mayer: What an awful thought! Where did the Blickbild's editor find you anyway?
BB: I got my job fair and square!
Mayer: You may not remember this, but Garmisch was a real hotbed of crime a few seasons ago. Someone stole Julia Mancuso's Go-Pro camera and someone else made death threats against Tina Maze. It is not at all farfetched that someone would want to kidnap a World Cup ski racer, or even 19 of them. It is my job to ensure that Garmisch is safe for all during the races.
BB: If anyone sees the missing goats, what should he do? And how will someone know if those are the correct goats? Are they marked, or are they wearing little Lederhosen?
Mayer: If someone sees goats where they don't belong, he should call the local police. Goats grazing in a fenced-in area are probably not the missing ones. But goats riding in a ski area gondola are suspicious and are probably the missing ones.  And no, the goats are not wearing clothing, nor do they have any special markings. They look like normal goats.
BB: I hope you solve the mystery of the missing goats before the races in Garmisch. If nobody figures out how they went missing, will the races be cancelled?
Mayer: We hope that the races won't have to be cancelled. But to be safe, there will be extra security at the race venue and in town. But we are confident that this mystery will be solved. They will not end up like the army who tried to invade Slovenia a few years ago and ended up somewhere in Siberia.
BB: What happened to that army?
Mayer: You really need to read old Blickbild stories and do your homework. I can't do all your work for you. Fido, Spot, and I have work to do to help the police find the goats and ensure that Garmisch will be safe for everyone.
BB: I think that I have said all I can. Well, it looks like we are out of time. Herr Mayer, thank you for the interview. I hope you and your bloodhounds find the missing goats before the races so everyone can feel secure. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

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